So, I have the uncanny ability to discredit the things I do.
I just realized it last week! It's actually quite amazing. And I won't discredit that.
A very perceptual individual caught me in the act last week. She was asking me about my education and how it was great I was almost graduated and I quickly proceeded to tell her that, yes, that was all well and good but it was only a diploma.
And she promptly challenged me as to why that happened to be not good enough?
It got me thinking. And I realized I do this often. A LOT. It's a bit of a joy sucker.
- After I exercised last week, I thought about how much I haven't been exercising instead of being proud that I finally did.
- After a successful week of supporting a student, my mind quickly goes to where I might not have done enough.
- Lately when I've have a positive time of prayer with God, I've soon after tried to analyze if I was just faking it or trying to 'get something' out of the prayer.
- Sometimes when someone requests me to take pictures I think that they only did so because they couldn't get someone else.
- When I for one moment feel content with the way I look, I instantly try to think of ways that maybe what I'm wearing or the light is just creating an optical illusion of attractiveness.
How messed up does this sound!? Don't worry. You can say it. REALLY MESSED UP. I could be having a moment of joy, or pride, or contentment, and instead I'm choosing to cancel it out with failings/imagined failings. I could be enjoying the moment and then moving forward, when instead I'm second guessing the past. Unccooooool.
And I don't think I'm alone in this. We have this weird knack of finding things to be Not Good Enough. How unenjoyable is that? How ungracious?? Instead of celebrating and being thankful for the things in our life, we are choosing to not accept them as worthy of joy. Can you imagine if a child brought you a drawing and you were like "wellllll sure you drew it because you love drawing and you're 4 years old but, it kind of just looks like a scribble of nothing, soooo....." I feel like that is what we do with the gifts we have, the gifts that God has given us. It's not very fun, and it's kind of rude.
So I'm going to try and change that. I'm going to try and take a little more pride, find a little more joy, and be a little more content. Because these things...my job, my education, my body, my relationships... these are precious gifts and the correct response is thankfulness. I need to stop discrediting due to unfounded failings and learn to say more and more: it is good enough.