This is a post about my grief.My grief is not a result of direct trauma to myself, but instead it is tied to the losses and experiences of people dear to me. I have not experienced the brunt of the pain, but I have experienced the ripple effects. For this reason, I have often felt no right to sadness, mourning, or the need for support. I felt (and still often feel), that to deal with these things would be a cry for attention or wallowing in pity.
I have come to realize that this is perhaps not true. That I have, in fact, lost something throughout the process and my soul is desperately trying to mourn it. I don't want this post to try and tell the unique stories of the people in my life. I don't want it to minimize their grief. So, while I still feel conflicted about this in my head, I am going to write about my peripheral grief. I think it will help me unpack my thoughts more clearly, and possibly help others who are in a similar state.
I am sad that things are not the same as they used to be. I know that people say struggles and perseverance bring character and pain means gain and blah blah blah. At this point, I still wouldn't wish for those things in that particular way.
I am sad that people I love are sad and hurting in various ways. It makes me so sad. I hate the feeling that there is nothing I can do about it.
I am sad that hope has become a loaded word. It's supposed to be light and airy like a bird. Instead, I feel like I'm giving it the constant side-eye, skeptical of its shifty next move. Or maybe it's something else. I feel like hope is like that dove released by the pope, now at risk of being attacked by crows and seagulls as soon as it leaves my hands...
I am sad that the air is heavy, not light. Burdens are close to the surface, and even the littlest scratch of life can reveal the pain and sadness underneath. Sometimes in books a character is described as having, "an ease about them". I don't feel like there is an ease about life these days.
Unfortunately I can't give a great wrap up conclusion to this blog post because that is not the nature of grief. I will direct you to this link, which is helpful both if you are supporting someone through trauma and grief or of you yourself are experiencing it. It has been hugely helpful for me as I consider how to support the loved ones in my life as well as I've considered processing through things in a healthy way.
Also, I want to encourage those of you who feel as though you are on the peripheral of the pain. You need to work hard to support and love the people in your life who are experiencing great pain and sadness. But, it is also important for you to be reflective and consider how those ripples (or large waves) of pain are wrenching your own heart and allow yourself to grieve this as well.