Well well well, the three month (approx) countdown is on! The tiny girl within me is a MOVER. It sometimes makes me wonder if there's something wrong with her, or my womb: is it not comfortable enough for you? Are you bothered by something?? She wakes me up almost nightly and won't stop kicking until I find the ideal sleep position. Kids I tell ya.
Doing this whole journey with Sloane is a blast. Recently she felt the baby kick and looked at me with a huge amazed smile. We both started laughing and couldn't stop, which made it pretty tough to feel any more kicks, but dang it was sweet. She also notices when I react uncomfortably to Birdie kicking and tells the baby to go to sleep.
Physically, I feel the best I've felt so far. My body feels strong (except rolling out of bed for those middle of the night bathroom breaks, then it feels whale-like), my SI joint has been almost no bother, I can breath a little easier and don't feel like I have to pee every 30 minutes. I'm relying on my body completely as I keep running because, while mentally I'm losing motivation, physically my body is giving me two thumbs up to keep going.
Emotionally it's been a bit more of a process. Adding Omega 3 and B Complex supplements has made a big difference in my temper and irritability. I still feel like my emotions and anxiety run hot these days, so managing other things like how much time I spend socializing and the amount of drama in my books (yea, even books) has been important. I didn't experience this last time around so it's pretty amazing to me how much the hormones have an affect in these different areas. I have felt a bit of a breakthrough over the last week though as I experienced that overwhelming fight feeling (Colin and I have had some crazy fights in the last couple months, largely escalated by me, which triggered looking deeper into this issue) and then was able to identify that it was unnecessary and let it go. It's encouraging to feel more in control.
Another thing I've been thinking through at this stage is the idea of grief as a normal part of any life change, as you move forward in one direction and away from another. I've struggled a lot with thoughts of what I'm letting go of, even for a relatively short time, as I take on raising a newborn again and learning to juggle two children. There are times when Colin and I think, "We have such a comfortable, manageable life right now, and we're throwing a wrench in it!" While that sounds kind of terrible, I think it's also legitimate. Life is about to change and get harder in a lot of ways, and grieving a bit of what I'm losing: ease, familiarity, sleep, lots of me time, seems to be a natural response.
I'm also feeling ready to move through that grief and wholeheartedly embrace my roll as "mother of a newborn, mother of two". This is also a life I have pursued, and I want to give it my best. I want to come to the end of this trimester with open arms to my sweet girl, and whatever life change she brings.
I've been looking at having to take a step back with my current hobbies and pursuits as missing out on my piece of the pie but actually I can make my OWN pie. A part of making my own pie has involved working on realistic expectations in my brain, and making this ridiculous schedule. As I've mentioned before, I've totally loved running this year, and I'm feeling especially sad to take a break from it for a bit. In order to not feel too disheartened about it, I made this training schedule to help myself feel like I'm still maintaining a habit as well as working towards running again in a healthy and realistic way. I know those first few weeks look kind of packed for post-birth (and assume I don't have to have a c-section again) but it's basically just a daily alternation of 10 minutes of kegals and 20 minutes of walking. Anything to make myself feel like I am working towards a goal. Also I am really bad at doing any of those deep core exercises but I guess they're kind of important so hopefully the schedule will make it happen haha.